An ode to the Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays Controversy
Twas the night before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, when on the O’Reilly Factor
A pundit was yelling at a quiet detractor
“My stockings are hung from my Chimney with care!”
“You disagree with me Stewart?” Cut his mic; he’s out of here!
And Falwell was nestled snug in his bed,
With visions of Chavez, and Liberal judges, all dead,
He dreamt of his buddy Don Weldmon, from the AFA,
Said have a merry Christmas, and boycott away!
When from the ACLU he heard such a clatter,
A banging of gavels, it must be a legal matter
He awoke to the studio, he flew like a flash,
Made insane legal claims, most of them balderdash
He said there’s a war on, you’re with or against,
He talked quite a bit, but had no evidence.
Then he was blinded, by what he though was a light,
Falwell new the lighting in the studio, and none was this bright
With a tired sigh and a stretch of his back,
It was Jesus, all in white, and eating a snack
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
Between yelling insults and chewing, he yelled out some names
Jerry Falwell, O’Reilly, you too Coulter and Gibson,
Oh, Malkin, DeLay, shut up, your worse than Nixon.
To the back of the studio, near the back wall,
They appeared one after the other, big name and small
As the dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
He took a deep breath and gave them all the stink eye,
Falwell asked what he had done but O’Reilly already knew,
It turns out Jesus was a card carrying member of The ACLU
Jesus said you’re guilty of a fairly serious sin,
You lied to the people, and O’Reilly your zone contains spin,
That crazy guy Falwell, he just had a dream
He had quite a cough, and mixed NyQuil and codeine
The pundits they pondered, they thought really hard,
For years there were many holidays, but Christmas had starred
Jesus said ok, enough is enough, let it be,
It doesn’t matter if it’s called a holiday, or a Christmas tree
The important thing to remember is your celebrating my birth,
So what does it matter if you don’t agree with Woolworth
Next Christmas I’ll be watching down from above,
And instead of focusing on words, let’s try to focus on love.